Chapter 1: The Value of Adult Friendships

It's essential not to underestimate the advantages of forming friendships in adulthood, even if you consider yourself a solitary person.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

In recent years, I've forged three significant friendships. For the first time in a considerable while, I've found women with whom I share a genuine connection, engaging conversations, and similar interests.

Only one of my long-term friendships remains outside the realm of social media, consisting of sporadic phone calls and an occasional meetup once or twice a year. While I had cultivated several friendships at a previous job, I lost touch after relocating. Until a few years ago, I hadn’t made any new friends.

Currently, I have two local friends with whom I maintain weekly plans for walks and meals, alternating our meeting spots. We also enjoy occasional pickleball games and simply hanging out. Although I have another busy friend I don’t see as often, we make an effort to reconnect every few months.

I never anticipated forming such strong connections as an adult, similar to the friendships I had in my youth. Yet, here I am, feeling happier than I have in a long time.

A significant factor in this transformation is my improved mental health. Additionally, I find that I relate well to these women; we are either single or separated, our children are grown, and we share a friendly bond. I genuinely doubted this kind of connection would ever be possible.

During my child’s early years, I often wished to befriend other mothers, but those relationships never materialized. I did have work friends to socialize with on weekends, which was enjoyable. However, I primarily spent my free time alone, with family, pursuing hobbies like figure skating and tennis, or with a romantic partner.

After relocating over a decade ago, I struggled to make new friends for a lengthy period. About two years post-move, I began seeing someone who was not a good match for me. As a result, I became socially isolated, prioritizing this relationship and overlooking the warning signs of its dysfunction.

Following that chapter, I committed to personal growth through therapy, mindfulness practices, and yoga. I made it a priority to seek out and develop fulfilling, reciprocal friendships with other women.

Through this journey, I've come to appreciate the importance of solitude as well. I've addressed long-standing issues that impacted my relationships, particularly my struggle to communicate directly and confidently with those closest to me. I’ve learned to assert myself to respect both my own boundaries and those of others.

Making friends as a middle-aged adult presents its challenges compared to the ease of high school or college. As I hadn’t formed close bonds through hobbies like tennis or political activism, I took initiative. Just as we use the internet to find romantic partners, I turned to it to seek friendships.

I explored local meetup groups on meetup.com, where I discovered two of my current friends. The third is someone I met through an adult competitive sport, which is thrilling because I've been figure skating for years without making lasting friendships there.

Another aspect I appreciate is that two of my new friends are also single. Over time, I lost contact with my single friends and struggled to connect with new ones after my move. It’s refreshing to find these friendships where we both value our connection and openly acknowledge it.

Having regular, planned get-togethers—like our weekly walks and dinners—helps maintain our connection and prevents me from slipping back into solitude. I wholeheartedly recommend scheduling consistent meet-ups, even if just once a month.

I no longer try to conform to someone I’m not. If I’m not inclined to participate in an activity, I express that. If I find myself uncomfortable or confused due to delayed social cues, I communicate that as well. Embracing my individuality has made me a better friend.

Recently, one of my friends remarked, “Carolyn never cancels plans.” It’s true; I pride myself on reliability. However, this wasn’t always the case. Through experience, I’ve learned to avoid overcommitting myself. In the past, I not only ignored my need for alone time but also made plans with multiple people, leading to cancellations.

While I cherish my alone time, I’m grateful to have less of it than before. My newfound assertiveness in personal relationships enhances my confidence regarding my preferences, preventing me from overcommitting and having to cancel.

Now, I'm in a relationship where I feel appreciated and content. My social life is vibrant, and I'm focusing more on my interests. With my child recently graduating from college, we’re entering a beautiful adult phase of our relationship. My adult friendships play a significant role in this newfound satisfaction, and I highly recommend nurturing them.

Chapter 2: Insights from Experts

In this insightful video, "The Secret to Making Friends as an Adult," Dr. Laurie Santos from The Happiness Lab shares valuable advice on building adult friendships and the positive effects they can have on our lives.

In "LIES About Adult FRIENDSHIP And The TRUTH You Need To Hear," Mel Robbins discusses common misconceptions about adult friendships and offers a refreshing perspective on fostering genuine connections.