The Hack That Never Was

In a time not long ago, my son was immersed in video games, exploring glitches with the finesse of a budding hacker. He was known in the gaming community as Renegade Black, soaring above his rivals and evading capture with clever maneuvers. I envisioned him as a master hacker, a tech-savvy genius who could operate from the comforts of our future basement home. I imagined him disrupting utility companies, evading payment systems, and paying for coding classes with the money he saved us. The FBI recruits hackers, and since he expressed interest in becoming an agent at the tender age of seven, it seemed like destiny.

However, fate had other plans. While one of his childhood friends, who practically grew up in our home and shared deep discussions on Quantum physics, excelled in coding and has now found success in IT, my son chose the path of a comedian. Sigh. Where did I go wrong?

What potential does he possess to aid the world—or me, his mother, who dreams of off-grid living—as just a comedian? He’s not exactly Bob Hope, entertaining troops in war zones. My son, tall and handsome, lacks the historical legacy of Bob.

In the realm of reality, there are no glitches to exploit on a battlefield. The ability to fly over opponents requires more than just skill—it demands planes or drones, and leaping tall buildings remains a fantasy.

What I didn’t realize, amidst my visions of him as a hacker, is that he was crafting humorous YouTube videos since he was 11, the very first year the platform was launched in 2005. Seventeen years later, he continues to create content. Yet, hacking never became his focus. Where did I falter?

My dreams of a self-sufficient life in a basement, supported by my son’s hacking prowess, dissipated like smoke in the air.

In response to the conflict in Ukraine, a call for hackers emerged to disrupt Russian operations and counter misinformation. Over 300,000 hackers answered the call, eager to lend their skills where it mattered most.

Ukraine’s Vice Prime Minister Mykhailo Fedorov—who communicates fluently with the younger generation—offered them protection on Twitter just days after the invasion. They saw an opportunity to practice their skills with what they hoped were minimal repercussions.

My son could have joined this legion of hackers if he had only heeded my aspirations for him. These brave volunteers have targeted government websites, including those of Putin, and have been involved in counter-propaganda efforts, providing truthful information to the Russian populace through hacked television channels. Additionally, they’ve managed to disable sites of banks and major corporations like Gazprom.

Yet, despite their talents, they can’t fly! How can they call themselves hackers?

Still, their mothers must feel a sense of pride—even amidst worries about potential legal repercussions and the threats facing hackers in Europe. Because, well, they’re mothers.

Consider a hypothetical conversation between me and the mother of a Ukrainian hacker:

Me: Hi, it’s been ages! What’s your daughter up to these days?

Other Mother: I’m so proud! She’s been recruited by Ukraine as a volunteer hacker.

Me: That’s impressive! What’s her focus?

OM: It’s classified, but just yesterday she disabled Putin’s Twitter account, changed all his passwords, and even created a profile for him on Adult Friend Finder. What’s your son doing?

Me: Oh, he’s in L.A., creating comedy videos as Moonlair360 and helping teen TikTok stars with their bank accounts. He’s going to film and edit MuddyUm’s Comedy Camp soon. It’s quite significant work.

OM: Absolutely! You should be proud! Well, I have to go feed my daughter to keep her energized for saving Ukraine. Let’s arrange a playdate soon! Feel free to check out our newly remodeled basement—it’s perfect for her.

If only my son had listened to my dreams of him becoming a hacker. But again, not world-famous, of course—because, hacker.

What impact could he have as a comedian?

Oh—wait a minute. He could rise to become a national leader! A figure who inspires his country through video calls to rally support from other nations. I could definitely get behind that.

My Son is Moonlair360, and He Has Over 85 Times the Followers I Have

Now we just have to retrieve his car from the impound in L.A.