Chapter 1: The Stinging Reality of Loss

The announcement hit hard: “I regret to inform you, John, but we won’t be renewing your contract for the next year.” These words were especially painful coming from Roger, who was not only my superior but also a friend. As the Residential Life Coordinator at the university dorms, he oversaw my role as a resident assistant.

As a resident assistant, I received complimentary housing in exchange for supporting residents, making referrals, organizing events, and ensuring a harmonious residential experience. The disappointment weighed heavily on me; I felt as if I had let Roger down. Moreover, I dreaded breaking the news to my father, who would now need to cover my living expenses for the upcoming year. In that moment of despair, I found myself thinking, “I’m a loser.”

Loss prompts us to reflect, reassess, and adapt our strategies.

The late Pat Conroy, a renowned author, had much to say about experiencing loss. In his memoir My Losing Season, he revisits his final year as a starting point guard for The Citadel's basketball team during the 1966-67 season. Conroy, an unlikely candidate for the military college, was an aspiring writer and poet, ill-suited to the rough environment typical of military institutions.

Despite his limited skills, Conroy had a passion for basketball, influenced by a desire to win his father's approval, who was a Marine Corps Colonel and fighter pilot. Conroy's relationship with the team's coach was tumultuous, and even his father found faults in his performance. However, by his senior year, he had become a competent point guard and captain of the team, though they only managed to win 8 out of 25 games.

Experiencing such repeated failures can lead anyone to feel like a loser. Conroy poignantly noted:

“Loss invites reflection and reformulating and a change of strategies. Loss hurts and bleeds and aches. Loss is always ready to call out your name in the night. Loss follows you home and taunts you at the breakfast table, follows you to work in the morning... The word ‘loser’ follows you, bird-dogs you, sniffs you out of whatever fields you hide in because you have to face things clearly and you cannot turn away from what is true.”

All of us encounter defeat throughout our lives. Whether it’s failing to make a sports team, losing a job, or watching a business collapse, there comes a time when we feel like a loser. However, life encompasses much more than the simplistic dichotomy of winning and losing. The most valuable lessons often lie within the complexities of our experiences.

As Conroy states, “There is no downside to winning. It feels forever fabulous. But there is no teacher more discriminating or transforming than loss.” Indeed, loss can impart invaluable lessons that winning cannot.

When Roger informed me of his decision regarding my position, I recognized that deep down, it was the right choice. My enthusiasm for the role had diminished, and it was evident in my performance. This experience taught me the importance of pursuing work that truly excites me.

Upon sharing the news with my father, he reassured me, “Don’t worry about it. Just learn from any mistakes, and I’ll handle your room and board for your senior year.” His wise and supportive nature always shone through.

Chapter 2: The Importance of Perspective

Recently, the Miami Heat stunned the top-seeded Milwaukee Bucks, thwarting their playoff aspirations. In the aftermath of this unexpected defeat, a reporter asked Bucks star Giannis Antetokounmpo if he viewed the season as a failure. After a brief pause, he delivered an insightful response:

“Do you get a promotion every year in your job? No? So, is every year you work a failure? No? Every year you work towards something, which is to get a promotion, provide for your family, take care of your parents. It’s not a failure; it’s steps to success.”

He challenged the reporter’s framing of the question, pointing out, “Michael Jordan played 15 years and won six championships. Were the other nine years failures? Why do you ask me that question? It’s the wrong question.”

We often pose the wrong questions. Instead of contemplating, “Am I a loser?” we should inquire, “What have I learned? How can I improve? Is this the right path for my skills?”

In a recent Wall Street Journal article, Jason Gay discussed Antetokounmpo’s humble beginnings and his relentless work ethic. He emphasized how success is often a gradual process, hidden from plain sight. He wrote, “Failures can be abrupt and sudden, but successes are incremental, their gestation and development often hidden from sight.”

Success frequently emerges from our most challenging moments. I learned this lesson after losing my position as a resident assistant, just as Conroy did during his time at The Citadel, and as Antetokounmpo articulated in his interview.

The next time you face a setback, instead of labeling yourself a loser, consider saying, “I’m a student of life. What have I learned?”

Letting Life Flow Through You

Last year, while my wife and I were exploring the scenic landscapes of Scotland, we visited the renowned whiskey distillery on the Isle of Jura. Not being a fan of liquor, I opted out of the tour and instead ventured out with my camera to capture the local beauty.

While wandering, I spotted a lively little bird darting among the trees, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t capture a good photo. Frustrated, I perched on a stone wall, feeling like a photography failure.

Yet, in a moment of serendipity, the bird landed right beside me. With patience, I crouched down, focused my lens, and managed to get the shot. It turned out I wasn’t a photography loser after all.

None of us are losers. We are all striving to achieve our goals and aspirations. While victories bring joy, our losses impart significant lessons about patience, humility, and empathy, reminding us that every experience is valuable.

Pat Conroy once advised aspiring writers in My Losing Season, “You do not learn how to write novels in a writing program. You learn how by leading an interesting life. Open yourself up to all experience. Let life pour through you the way light pours through leaves.”

Don’t let the fear of loss hinder your life experiences. Although loss can be painful, it also offers profound insights. As Conroy eloquently expressed, “The darker music of loss resonates on deeper, richer planes.” Embrace the lessons life has to offer and never label yourself a loser.

After all, winners are simply losers who persevered and tried once more.

Before You Go

I'm A Loser (Remastered 2009) is a poignant exploration of personal struggles and resilience, echoing themes of learning from defeat.

Beck - Loser (Official Music Video) captures the essence of feeling like an outsider, yet finding strength in that experience.

I’m John P. Weiss. I craft meaningful stories and essays about life. If you enjoyed this piece, consider subscribing to my free weekend newsletter, The Saturday Letters.