Finding Balance: Reassessing My Relationship with Work
Written on
Chapter 1: The Burden of Work
My journey with work has been far from positive. During high school, I was taught that hard work was the key to making others happy and fulfilling my own aspirations. I embraced this mindset wholeheartedly.
I distinctly remember meticulously organizing every moment of my schedule on Google Calendar, even at the age of 16.
These "work" blocks included:
- Academic assignments
- AP exam preparation
- Studying for a neuroscience competition planned for post-COVID
- SAT prep
- Leading a student club
- Writing and research for my blog
My time was fully accounted for, and even though weekends aren't pictured, I was still "working" over 7 hours each Saturday and Sunday.
Work became my refuge. I believed it would help me escape my small Massachusetts town and step into a broader world. When I wasn't occupied, I was busy researching admission criteria for top colleges or browsing Reddit for medical school application tips, despite being years away from applying.
Reflecting on this time, I appreciate my determination. I had a vision and a dream, and I was resolute in pursuing them. However, lurking in the shadows of my busy mind was a toxic mentality that led to anxiety and dissatisfaction.
Section 1.1: The Illusion of Productivity
I felt compelled to be "working" constantly. The quotation marks around "working" indicate that my efforts weren't aimed at a greater goal; they were merely a way to numb my anxiety about not doing enough.
If you had asked me about my motivations, I would have claimed a higher purpose. Yet, when examining my actions, it became clear that my "work" was driven by the fear of falling behind. If I wasn't busy, I felt inadequate, and I despised that feeling.
In the Netflix documentary Tick, Tick… Boom, a pivotal moment occurs when Jonathan Larson's best friend poses a crucial question: are you driven by fear or love? In hindsight, I recognize that my motivation stemmed from fear — the fear that my worth was contingent on my productivity.
I previously believed that my self-worth was entirely in my control; all I had to do was work hard. While the actions were mine, the overarching direction was not. I wasn't creating for personal fulfillment; I was conforming to societal expectations: work hard, gain admission to a prestigious college, secure a good job, and keep grinding. This cycle began to unravel after more than a year of relentless effort.
Section 1.2: The Importance of Time Management
My junior year proved challenging, particularly during one intense weekend when I was tasked with two significant essays. One essay was supposed to take about 1 to 1.5 hours, but I ended up spending five times that amount.
Despite receiving positive feedback, my teacher's final comment struck me: "Ben, this is a wonderful essay, and it's evident you dedicated a lot of time to it, but you need to learn to manage your time effectively."
This was the wake-up call I desperately needed. My approach to life was to continuously give my time to others' demands. I needed to reclaim my time for my own priorities.
Chapter 2: Embracing Creativity
The first video, titled "Keep FAILING And You Will SUCCEED! | NEVER GIVE UP Motivation | #BelieveLife," emphasizes the value of resilience and the learning that comes from failure.
In the second video, "I failed 11 times in my career. Not giving up is an art and I mastered it," the speaker shares personal experiences of perseverance and the art of not giving up, which resonates deeply with my journey.
Many of my college friends were puzzled by my admiration for Steve Jobs. While his interpersonal skills were often criticized, I believe he had an extraordinary influence on the world.
What drew me to Jobs was his unconventional approach to life. He struggled academically, experimented with drugs, and even dropped out of college. Yet, this lifestyle allowed him to cultivate a profound understanding of humanity and creativity.
Watching documentaries about Jobs provided the insight I needed: many successful individuals do not work tirelessly; they engage in life. They pursue hobbies, travel, and explore, while machines excel at repetitive tasks. Creativity, however, is a distinctly human trait.
I made a conscious decision to embrace creativity. Gradually, I began taking more walks, reading for enjoyment, and loosening my tightly scheduled life. I focused on creating for the sheer joy of it.
Today, I'm still on the path of healing but have made significant progress. I am learning to find joy in uncertainty, nurturing relationships, and engaging in creative endeavors. Most importantly, I'm working towards the belief that my worth is not solely defined by my daily productivity.