Navigating Relationship Initiatives: Overcoming Excuses Together
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Understanding the Excuses
In my practice, I frequently encounter couples who claim they can't take the lead in expressing affection or planning meaningful activities because their partner "gets there first." Common statements include:
- "I can't organize a date like she desires because she schedules everything weeks ahead."
- "I can't initiate intimacy because he is always the one making the first move."
- "I can't propose since she constantly reminds me how upset she is about our marital status."
- "I can't inquire about her day because she starts sharing as soon as she sees me."
- "I can't touch him because he turns every physical interaction into a sexual advance."
It can be enlightening to reframe these comments as follows: "I struggle with being vulnerable and initiating interactions. I may also have difficulties with planning, possibly linked to ADHD, making it hard for me to take the first step in various aspects of my life."
Couples therapy can be instrumental in broadening the understanding of these behaviors. For instance, many women perceive their partners as proactive go-getters at work, which leads them to take their partner's inability to plan dates personally, interpreting it as a lack of love or priority. However, the reality may be that these men have faced criticism at work for not being self-starters, which affects their confidence in other areas of life.
On the flip side, women who feel they never have the chance to initiate intimacy can benefit from exploring their perceptions in therapy. Reflecting on the week and identifying moments where they could have reached out for connection can be revealing. It’s unrealistic to expect any partner to always be the one initiating intimacy, especially when balancing work and family life.
Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often struggle with intimacy and vulnerability. Avoidant men may initiate sex frequently but find it challenging to engage in non-sexual physical affection and emotional closeness. Conversely, avoidant women may grapple with both intimacy and sexual connection. These dynamics often lead to partnerships where one person is preoccupied with attachment and feels overwhelmed by the avoidant partner's need for space.
The avoidant partner may fantasize that if their spouse were more self-sufficient and relaxed, they would feel more inclined to initiate romantic activities. However, a securely attached partner would typically not be attracted to someone who is emotionally distant, as this detachment can be off-putting.
Addressing the Issues
While some partners may indeed have valid concerns—such as men who interpret all touch as sexual or women who overly plan—many individuals who express these frustrations do not typically ask for more romance. If they do, therapy can help them recognize how their behaviors may hinder their partner's ability to respond positively.
Underlying these issues may be unresolved childhood traumas where caregivers repeatedly let them down. To guard against future disappointments, they might unconsciously set impossible standards, which prevents their partner from fulfilling their emotional needs. Therapy can assist individuals in processing these past experiences and understanding how their current actions inhibit healing and connection.
If this resonates with you, I encourage you to reflect on your blind spots regarding your ability to plan or initiate. Challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone. For instance, consider booking a sitter for an upcoming weekend or texting your partner to arrange a casual breakfast date. If you’re the woman who claims initiation is impossible, take a moment to find your husband right now. He might not be initiating intimacy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start with a simple hug.
Furthermore, if planning feels overwhelmingly difficult, it may be worth exploring whether ADHD is a factor. Many people misunderstand ADHD and assume it merely involves a lack of focus; in reality, it can manifest in various ways that affect daily life.
I hope this article encourages you to reevaluate your relationship patterns—whether you are the one making excuses or the one inadvertently making it hard for your partner to take initiative. For more insights on these dynamics, consider engaging with additional resources.
Chapter 2: Video Insights on Overcoming Relationship Barriers
In the first video, "Outsmart a Narcissist: A Proven 4-Step Plan to Take Your Power Back | Mel Robbins Podcast," Mel Robbins provides practical strategies for recognizing manipulative behaviors and reclaiming your voice in relationships.
The second video, "DO THIS First Thing In The Morning To Stop Procrastination & NEVER BE LAZY Again! | Mel Robbins," offers actionable tips to overcome procrastination and take charge of your daily life, creating more space for connection and intimacy in relationships.
If you're looking to deepen your understanding or seeking professional guidance, consider reaching out to therapists like Dr. Whiten or exploring her resources on marriage and family communication. Remember, this blog is not a substitute for professional medical advice, and I encourage you to consult qualified professionals when needed.