Understanding and Managing Your Child's Destructive Behavior
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Chapter 1: Compassionate Approaches to Child Behavior
Recently, I received a message from a young mother who inquired if my son had ever damaged books or toys. I quickly replied 'no,' unaware that she was feeling troubled. Earlier that day, she had faced criticism for trying to correct a child's habit of tearing books and breaking toys. Despite her efforts to guide the child, bystanders dismissed her concerns, claiming, "That's just how kids are at that age." This left her feeling disheartened.
Many of us, as new parents, encounter advice that conflicts with our core beliefs. In an effort to conform to societal norms, we often adjust our parenting styles based on external influences. Fortunately, this mother sought a different perspective. After my brief response, she shared more details about the situation, prompting me to fully focus on her needs. Drawing from my experiences, I explained that my son rarely damaged his books or toys—not because I forbade him, but because I consciously taught him how to use them appropriately and mindfully.
When I felt he wasn't ready for certain items, I would gently redirect his attention to other activities. For example, with books, I would demonstrate careful handling, often reminding him, "Isaiah, my dear, books are valuable. Let’s hold them gently and turn the pages with care."
I further elaborated, "If pages are torn, we might miss out on parts of the story. And we wouldn’t want that, right?" Every child loves a good story, and explaining what he could miss out on helped him understand better.
If your child continues to show destructive tendencies, here are two compassionate strategies to consider:
Step 1: Foster Their Curiosity
Before addressing my son's actions, I take a moment to understand what drives his behavior. While I’m not perfect at it, improvement comes from effort. Kids are naturally curious and often engage in experiments—tearing pages or banging toys is their way of discovering, "What happens if I do this?"
When I notice Isaiah tearing book pages, instead of saying, "Don't do that," I might say, "It looks like you’re curious about tearing paper. We love our bedtime stories, don’t we? How about we try a fun paper-tearing activity instead?" This gentle redirection not only satisfies his curiosity but also leads to a more constructive outlet. When he was two, I set up a paper-tearing project with colored paper and junk mail, allowing him to explore safely.
Step 2: Provide Time for Maturity
There have been instances when a fun activity didn't deter Isaiah from tearing books. In those cases, I calmly told him, "We'll put this away for now because it seems we’re not quite ready to read it." The same principle applies to toys and other belongings. After a couple of weeks, I would revisit the situation, trusting that he would mature over time.
As I practiced patience and allowed him the space to grow, I noticed significant improvements in his behavior. He learned to use the microwave at eighteen months and even managed to handle fragile china during our tea parties. While it was daunting to let him use knives for cutting fruits, I observed him exercising caution and responsibility.
Allowing children to explore potentially dangerous items can be nerve-wracking, but with time and trust, I've seen my son respect the boundaries I set. It’s essential to understand that guiding your child in this manner requires patience and attentiveness, focusing on positive reinforcement rather than negativity.
But you might wonder, "How long will it take for my child to stop these unwanted behaviors?" I completely understand your concerns, and if I were in your shoes, I would ask the same. However, consider what’s more critical: the timeframe or addressing the underlying issues.
Identifying Root Causes
Before diving deeper, let me assure you: with empathy, patience, consistency, and positive reinforcement, you can cultivate clear and nurturing expectations that your child will understand. If unwanted behaviors persist, there might be fundamental imbalances in the parent-child dynamic. Here are two potential causes of this imbalance:
- The parent may be introducing age-inappropriate activities or materials that the child isn't yet ready to handle.
- The parent might be experiencing stress or self-doubt, impacting their ability to communicate effectively with their child.
To address these issues and learn effective strategies, consider joining my FREE Monthly Webinar. Designed for parents seeking to enhance their confidence and intuition in parenting, this webinar covers my unique Three-Pillar Framework to help you develop your own parenting style rather than following trends from the latest books.
Regardless of where you are in your parenting journey, remember that children will continually test boundaries as they grow. There will always be opportunities for correction, and it's never too late to start anew.
The first video, "How to Understand Your Child's Disruptive Behavior," offers insights into interpreting and managing challenging actions with empathy and understanding.
The second video, "Inspired Parenting 2 - How To Regulate a Child Who Is Acting Silly/Chaotic," provides practical tips for regulating chaotic behavior while maintaining a loving approach.
Finally, if you're eager to receive personal stories, insights, and valuable parenting resources, join over 100 parents in my free weekly newsletter, "Growing Together."